Living in Solitude Is…

…probably one of the loneliest things I have ever experienced. However, it has become one of the most liberating.

Not too long ago, I was in a marriage that lasted close to 14 years. It had to end. It had run its course. Safe to say although I worked and fought hard to keep it together, it crumbled down. It fell apart like a house of cards. I will spare you the details because obviously it’s very personal, but the very root as to why it came to a bad close was it ceased being a marriage at a certain point in time.

Marriage is supposed to be an agreement between two people to share each other’s worlds, to live life together, to be faithful to one another and collect memories over a lifetime. When one of these two people cease to believe in this, the marriage ceases to exist. It is not a marriage when one of two would believe that everything around him/her is the center of the universe and that everything else, including his/her spouse exists only in support of his/her existence.

God knows how I loved my former wife. I had been blind to everything else around me. I put a wall around myself, set myself apart from everything else that had defined me, almost cut ties with friends and family she had come to revile so much, even cut off God out of my life so that I would be able to love her, support her, and nurture her. Yes, it did take a toll in my soul, but I did it all because of love. She had become an idol I worshiped.

Years ago, I started to rediscover myself once again and I had started to go back to who I was. This was the least of her desires and she decided to cut me out of my life. Although we lived under the same house, we ceased to be husband and wife. I still tried to keep it all together as I tried to make memories and share more experiences with her. It was clear, however, that she wanted none of that, to the point that she even cut off our son from her existence. She wanted to be the star of her movie, and she would never tolerate anything else. It became as if I was just her employee; she paid some of the bills as a form of remuneration for my services. She simply became a tenant in my house. The relationship was dead, and I didn’t realize it until later.

A certain event made it clear to me that from her perspective, it was all about herself. She doesn’t want to be involved in my life or in our son’s. This made me furious, angry. That was it. I ceased loving her. All my fidelity and all my effort came to nothing. I said to myself this is not the life I’m meant to live. I ended our almost 14-year relationship. It was painful but it had to be done, thinking that it was for the kind of happiness she wanted and for the kind of life I desired.

My eyes had been opened to what my family and friends had seen years before. I did not listen to what they had said to me in the past. I regret putting up that wall around me in order to cease hearing their good advice. I can never take back the years that had been lost. All I can do now is rebuild my life.

While living in solitude is rather lonely, I do not regret setting myself free. In my heart I know that this is temporary, that one day I would be able to find someone to share my life and my world with. Until that day comes, I will keep on picking up the pieces of my shattered soul and look forward into the future.


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